“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
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waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
when u come home smelling like another dog
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Every haunted house movie:
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Life cycle of cat
you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
oh she’s cooked
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat