“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
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“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
The Book. The Movie.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.