“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
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I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this