“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
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People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
the official breakfast of 2021
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born