This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
You Might Also Like
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed