This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
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No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
is this meant to deter me
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.