I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
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Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time