Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

Me: How was dinner?

Husband: Good!

Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?

Husband: …

*Next night*

Me: How’s dinner?

Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!

Me: Don’t patronize me.

Husband: *sigh*

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

⁦@XplodingUnicorn⁩ LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.