Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

edward fingerhands

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣