This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
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me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
work smarter, not harder
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related