This sweet pup found a new friend đź–¤
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New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.