Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

damn he’s good

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security