Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators