This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
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Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy