This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
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5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
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customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Never forget.
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My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
wtf management?!
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#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
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Me irl
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Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on