Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

Venn

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.