This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
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Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
44.65
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44.87*click*
44.96*click*
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45.01~ gas pumps
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma