This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
You Might Also Like
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.