This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
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Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
*lost my marbles*
Weighs myself
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
he chose this
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.