This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
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This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Church Pugh’s
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?