This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
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When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him