Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

Man these end times are taking forever

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum