Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.