Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.