Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

[House Hunters]:

Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars