This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
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When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Best table by far
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.