This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
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One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”