Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)

Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.