Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

why am I working on Labor Day

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

I used to be married, but I’m better now

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

me: *screams*

my husband: goddammit

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.