This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
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Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Twitter is the new flypaper.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]