This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
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*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing