Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.