This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
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Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.