This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
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why am i having trouble navigating this map??
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.