Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

🤣

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

looks legit

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother