This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
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My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in