This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
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Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.