This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army