This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Ron is short for Aaronald
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
This joke is 7 years old
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
