This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
