This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting
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If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*