This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting
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Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.