Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?

14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.

me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?