This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
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Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
