This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.
You Might Also Like
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
decorating my apartment
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.