Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

Doormats are a gateway rug.

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”