“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
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Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet