Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

This is amazing.

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

Still my favorite headline of all time:

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.