Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??