This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
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I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
