“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
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If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.