“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
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This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
This could’ve been an email.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY