Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.