This took me a second..
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A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait
Running from your problems is cardio .
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Not now. I’m deglazing.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail