This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
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*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.