Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

Planet of the Apps.

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…

*I run to check on the donuts

*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies