This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
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HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Always leave them wanting their money back.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape