Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

Me redecorating every room in my mind

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

😂😂

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.