This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I have written yet another poem about laundry
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.