Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

Tammy is short for Tamuel

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*