This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
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*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.