This tree does a lot of weird exercises
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I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
#Caturday
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery