Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”