Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

Go hard or stay average

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

My neck my back my allergy attack

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.