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Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”