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“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!