This trial is so absurd 馃槶
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What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
*deals poker hand*
peacock that鈥檚 just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8鈥檚 head
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
this is the news I live for
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don鈥檛 remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I鈥檓 learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That鈥檚 goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp