Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1240613743123406848/pu/vid/480x848/02CeCLaO_XioxlMp.mp4?tag=10

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.