This trial is so absurd 😭
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*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
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