This trial is so absurd 😭
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I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Now this is how you LinkedIn
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?