This trial is so absurd 😭
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*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
this is the best interaction on twitter
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
