[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
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Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything