Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans