this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
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I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
good for her
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.