this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
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The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Punctuation Matters. Period.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”