this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
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A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.